MISC. ANECDOTES & DIVERSE - ASSEMBLIES

including   Morning Assemblies / RLS Time Capsule / RLS Secret language / The Playground principles of MJM

On the ways threads tend to run wild / Then & Now – inflation / Bad smell

ASSEMBLIES

Composite still from the RLS film 'A Day at the RLS' 1953

I think in my time the 6th form attended Assembly in the gallery. I remember one April 1st when all the hymn books had been removed. We all turned up for Assembly as usual and GHRN announced that Assembly would reconvene at 1100 by which time he assured us the hymn books would have been returned. I believe on that occasion also some of the organ pipes had been moved
around. There was one occasion when GHRN selected one particular hymn from the RLS hymnbook for the first time and it quickly became apparent after we started that the words did not fit the set tune after the first 2 lines. David Wells, who was by then Music master and normally played the organ, didn't notice. Pupils enthusiastically wrecked the whole thing by singing the excess
words at the end of each line. GHRN looked slightly less pleased than usual and selected the hymn again the next day with a suitable tune. Colin Steward [53-60]

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Many will recall that Coles could call the morning service to a halt at any time, mid hymn or prayer, if he saw someone talking. The first years would notice & stop, allowing those further back to realise, until the whole hall was silent bar Sharp hammering away at his organ. All eyes would turn his way until a nearby boy gave him the tip.
One December this happened with Whilst Shepherds Watched - the whole school seemed to sing "Whilst shepherds washed their socks by night". It drove Coles wild, although some masters had smirks on their faces. I almost believed that they had joined in. (John Hawkins)

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After ringing the bell to summon us into Assembly, the Caretaker would slam shut and bolt the double doors, so the only way in was through the small Dining Room and the door into the corridor was barred too which meant a lengthy wait for Scruff to appear after Assembly. It only happened to me once when I had skidded on a patch of ice in Emerson Park and fallen off my bike. Waiting those 15 minutes or so for Scruff to appear and hear our excuses was one of the longest and most terrifying periods I spent at RLS. When Scruff appeared, us 12 or so latecomers that morning stood in a line and he moved from one to the next with a sarcastic 'Clever Dick' response to the excuses proferred. The boy standing next to me said that his mother had not woken him in time and Scruff fetched him such a smack across the face for putting the blame for his own shortcomings on his mother that my fear turned to terror. However, my excuse was accepted and Scruff moved on to the next poor unfortunate. As far as 'excused Assembly' goes, there must have been more of them in 1948; certainly more Jews because there were enough to justify Mr Melnick putting on a skull cap and leading an act of worship in his classroom which was also the 1B Form Room. I was pleased to see a photo of a school hymn book in the Library. During wet lunch breaks and after school, until we were thrown out by the Caretaker, we used to play table-tennis in the Physics Lab. The benches made super table-tennis tables, if somewhat on the narrow side, and we used our hymn books propped up on their edges to make a net. All we needed was a ball because we also used hymn books as bats. The benches also made super pitches for twopenny-halfpenny football, although it was best played with two pennies and a sixpence. A six-inch ruler was used to hit the penny against the sixpence to knock it towards the opponent's goal and we organised leagues and cup competitions. For goalposts we used to drive pins into the very edge of the bench. In the summer we used to play 'Howzat' with the bowler's results and batsmen's scores written on the sides of hexagonal pencils so the game was easily pocketable when a master appeared.(Antony Woodason)

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I guess that we all have particular memories of assembly but one that never fails to make me smile concerns 'the announcements' which took place once the head had left the hall in priority order masters would come to the lectern to give notice and updates on whatever activities they were involved in finally came the head boy, in this case Dave Butler who had gone up to rls with me from rush green primary school, with details of football fixtures, detentions etc. as well as inter school activities on this particular day, after the boring stuff Dave announced in his best parade ground voice {he was a sergeant in the C.C.F.} that after school on friday of that week there woul be " a mass debate with the girls from the county high school", I never did find out what the motion for the debate was going to be as the hall erupted with noise the first form looked confused, the second form looked embarassed, third and fourth forms looked guilty and the fifth and sixth form roared their approval of this apparent liberalisation in education policy !! Poor dave.......it took a long while for him to live that one down (Graham Alexander Lee)

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A large number of boys had been called into the hall for a mass strip-tearing-off from George because a quantity of pornographic literature had been discovered in pupils desks, bags, lockers etc. He'd left us in no doubt that he considered the "suppliers" to be the lowest of the low, the "users" to be worse than dirt and really went to town about our morals, intelligence, depravity and perversions! All this, of course, was lost on our cynical minds because we KNEW that the haul would be confiscated and then become the subject of much slavering and leering in the staff-room...!!! But then George rather spoilt it when, winding up in fine style, he picked up a hand-full of the books, glared at the covers, barked at us, "Filth! Not fit for decent humans even to look at..." and threw them towards Fred Holmes saying, "Just look at those Mr. Holmes!" There were those who found a straight face difficult...

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While we select few were reminiscing in Bangers last night, I remembered an incident which I don't think I've seen mentioned here - until now, that is!     I need the help of Hon Members in deciding which year this happened - my vote is 1965 or 1966 as I think I was in third year at the time.  But anyway:-

It seems that, whilst visiting the gentlemen's facilities behind Room 23, someone either accidentally or deliberately missed the pan. This resulted in a large, steaming deposit being left on the floor of the cubicle which Doug Palfrey perforce had to clean up.  Predictably, Jake was informed of the occurrence.  Equally predictably, he was decidedly unimpressed.   So we got another one of those assemblies where he sat fuming in his office until after prayers and hymns had finished, and then made his entrance at the end to bear the bad news and berate the school.

Jake strode onto the stage and glared at the masses with the usual thunderous expression which he reserved for such events. Taking a deep breath, he began with "Excrement - excreta - or what you probably call SHIT! "  As he reached the dreaded expletive his voice rose by two octaves and about 60 decibels, so that it was probably audible at Gidea Park station never mind in the hall.

In those days it was unusual to hear adults swear, and unheard for someone in such authority to let out such an expletive. I seem to remember the reaction being one of open mouths, stunned silence and thoughts along the lines of "did he really say that?"  Strangely I have absolutely no recollection of the rest of this particular sermon, nor what punishment he saw fit to threaten or impose - I wonder if anyone else paid much attention after that opening. So - who else remembers this, and what else happened?   I'm relying on you chaps, now. (John Bailey)

A group of pupils had returned from a geography trip. Apparently, one of them (person unknown) had defecated in a place that he shouldn't.

Not just the once (understandable maybe, if ill, or 'caught short') but consistently - several times, in a variety of places that he shouldn't. Jasper addressed the assembled school, face like thunder. We already knew that 'something was up' and his demeanour confirmed it, but we had been given no advance warning of the nature or content of this

especially convened assembly. Jasper opened his tirade with the immortal words:

"Excrement! Excreta! Or as you probably call it - SHIT! I WANT TO KNOW WHO'S DONE IT!!"

Unaware of the unconventional nature of the particular acts in question we all looked at each other, puzzled, wondering "Is it against the school rules now? What am I going to tell my Mum?" Like Rod, I believe that the culprit was eventually discovered; unlike Rod,

I don't want to know who he was. (Andy Lee)

The biggest ring that I ever witnessed during assembly was when my mate Dudley Pretty (yes, that was his real name) suddenly puked rather voilently over the boy standing in front of him. Immediately a very large ring formed with just Dud and the by now dripping target staring at each other in the middle. Jeez, you think farts smell!

Of course, apart from the two boys in question, we all saw the funny side of it. Strangely enough, I don't think the assembly was stopped. As usual, George pretended not to notice and carried on regardless. I guess that if Doug Fisher was still with us he may remember, because he was the prefect who always stood by us down the side of the hall.

Poor old Dudley suffered from asthma, so he wasn't at all well for the rest of the day. I suppose if it happened today we'd all be receiving counselling and consulting our lawyers about suing for compensation for the stress incurred. (just joking Ian!) (Derek Humphrey)

This is how I remember JPC's outburst-The bogs had been vandalised but the culprit had also put one of the sticky labels (that we used inside our text books to denote that the book belonged to RLS)on a bog door and had scribbled out the address so that it read as follows:-

RLS-bo-----s. JPC announced the actual deed in the hall after assembly and read out the offending word(stunned silence followed)and then pronounced that he was 'Mad' a slight pause followed in his speech before carrying on to say 'about what has happened'. Needless to say it was never forgotten that the Head had actually questioned his own sanity in front of the school. (John Perdrisat)

John Hawkins asked "re. the changes made to assembly from the inside What were the changes, and when did they start?"

Just after you left, John. You missed a laugh or three. The time-honoured strict format was given some artistic license with a 60's Psychedelic Multi-Media Extravaganza. Some TGB new-wave lecturers mediated between Mr Coles and the pupils to cross Pink Floyd (must seem unbelievable to you) with student-rag theatre.

John. Spot on target. The letter to parents also included details on the (Little?) Oxford Dictionary (and how it was to be marked up with name etc, I think), the type of satchel or briefcase to be used, and the shops where the uniforms could be purchased. My memory says that cream was not an allowed shirt colour.

In the second or third week of June '67 (Whiter Shade Of Pale was no.1, and Sgt Peppers had just broken the singles charts) three of us had fixed a date with three girls at the funfair in Dagenham at noon. We didn't dare play hookey, so were dressed to kill, knowing JPC would send us home. The other two wore full skinhead regalia (someone else claimed this fame recently - hope you're sure of your dates) with DM's, braces (banned at the time because of the 64-skinheads), and bright Shermans. I wore a pink/blue/mauve/green paisley psychedelic satin shirt and a hippie bell around my neck over the school tie. John Dabbs laughed his way through double geography - I had to ring the bell every time he cracked his "pull my leg - the bell's ringing" jokes. I got 300 lines for missing one joke.

Come break and we wandered over to gain notice from JPC. Promptly caned, sent home and met the gals on time. QED! (Ian Macauley)

Can you gents help me out on the next colourful occasion? July/Aug '67?, mentioned in a recent chain about an end-of term party which went hippy? In the Hall singing "All You Need Is Love" and "San Francisco", 3 guys from 64 smoking pot after a recent trip to ... Marrakesh?, Kashmir?), brightly coloured Carnaby Street satin shirts (Malc Bryden et al), hippy bells (I had two by this time), and at least 3 of us with flowers in our hair. I seem to remember Laurie Barton & Co were there too - Small Faces lookalikes. We skipped the light, fandango. (Ian Macauley)

I don't recall this at all, and think I left immediately after A levels to start work, no holiday break that year.  I don't remember the change of mood within the school either, although the 6th form were pretty separated from the rest of the school.  I remember the change within the general youth population - sex, drugs and pirate radio! (John Hawkins)

There were a couple of corkers in later years. "There has been an outbreak of spitting in the school" and "It has come to my attention that fouth formers have been beating first formers with sticks". I got chucked out of assembly with half a dozen others for laughing at the last one (Actually I think that one was Groome). Remember piss in bucket very well. I think we were in the second year so it was probably 1968. (Andy Ellis)

I find in the archives correspondence on Assemblies. I wonder who remembers a certain 1st April Assembly when all the hymn books had disappeared from desks lockers etc. and when the organ struck up there was a mass movement to share books. George dismissed everyone, with the threat the culprits will be found and severly dealt with - they never were, I know for a fact.

... famous event in assembly was Jake's classic line "Every time I open my mouth, some fool speaks!"

Anyone else remember this one? (Cliff J.) I remember well the Piss assembly - it's haunted me all these years as much as anything at RLS. I don't remember any more than you relayed, but if I was there then you couldn't have been in first form. Since I remember finding it funny at the time I think I was older than first. As a first former the look on Jake's face would probably have done me permanent damage. The only other famous event in assembly was Jake's classic line "Every time I open my mouth, some fool speaks!" Anyone else remember this one? (Cliff J.)

Ken, I remember it only too well! See post9366. I asked at that time if anybody knew who organised it. I have always had my suspicions. Now I know! Maltby must be proud of you! My goodness that’s saying something. (Geoff Smith)

Vague assembly memory No 2. Some innovative sole (Vic Slade? Eng Master) had suggested that forms took assembly by doing something creative rather than have Jake's rantings every day. A 66ers year (about 3rd or 4th year) John Bosdet, Stuart McCreddie, Terry Hunt conducted a fabulously entertaining Xmas number very very very loosely based upon the Nativity. Highlights included Herod as Hitler going round shooting babies (stage crew releasing babies from the heavens), Jesus as Father Christmas .... but the rest is forgotten. Except for the finale. This was Jake storming onto the stage bringing the performance to an abrupt close with the words "If there is one thing worse than the commercialisation of Xmas it is sending it up!" So came the end of the exeriment I don't think anybody else got a go. Please confirm this happened guys I was never very awake in the mornings. (Greg Cooper)

Greg. This did happen. One Anthony Townsend played a very convincing Herod. After Jake walked out, he (Jake, not A.T.) was booed by the whole audience. (Richard Hall)

Yes, I remember it well. Except with one slight correction, Jesus wasn't Father Christmas (I think FC played himself), because I remember Father Christmas walking around the stage handing out presents, and when he came to Mary and Joseph, he pulled a doll out of his sack (the baby Jesus), and yelled "here's yours" as he threw the doll across the stage to them - that's when Jake exploded....! Shame, cos as I vaguely remember it, the whole "show" was put together very well. (Les Farrow)

J. Alan Smith wrote that during the Suez War of 1956, a prefect had found a biblical passage to read in assembly about the Israelites marching into Egypt. Can Geoff or anyone else confirm this?
Yes, I am sorry to say that it was a very callow Geoff Smith who read the passage from The Old Testament. George was not amused and I received a substantial bollocking! (Geoff Smith)

The 'Xmas Assembly': Greg, This did indeed happen.........or at least I was told it happened. By then, I (amongst others) had learnt the art of arriving late, climbing in through a convenient window (the one opposite the toilets was usually best) and then sneaking into the back of the gallery in time for Jake`s announcements. Either that or sitting in the form room opposite the gallery, chatting etc and THEN sneaking into the gallery.........etc.
Other assemblies that come to mind included John Bosdet playing Christ as a pawn of the government.......and if the few remaining grey cells are working correctly..........a certain Hon.Member (Stratford) playing the Voice of God/Government official..............of course I may be wrong about that bit. Very powerful stuff, only ruined by the curtains closing, leaving a crucified Christ alone on the stage, miraculously coming back to life 3 days too early, and looking for the gap in the curtains.
There was also the sight of (I think) John Bosdet and Terry Hunt both making crosses on stage, climaxing in John beating Terry to death with his cross..........all to the tune of Floyd`s "Careful with that axe, Eugene"
Only one I took part in, or at least will admit to, was 3 boys demonstrating the effects of unrighteous living. Cant remember who came on first, but he rambled on about how his family life had been ruined through alcohol. I came on, droning on about how health was ruined through smoking...........why they picked on me to play that part, I have NO idea!. Finally, stage darkens.......spotlight on Tom Saunders........either Doors or Hendrix on background tape..........injects himself in arm, and falls flat on his back. Two of us had pages of dialogue to learn........bored everyone rigid...........Tom collapses......no dialogue..........rapturous applause!!! Where’s the justice in that??? (Tony Harrison)

I rode the LNER steam train one stop from Romford in the mornings and cut through that long "alley" beside the tracks. One morning a bunch of us were walking to school and I spotted a ten shilling note inside the fence. I guess someone had been getting money ready for the station to buy a ticket and it had blown from their hands. There was a spiked steel fence, rather sharply pointed I recall, on the track side, but I quickly climbed over and retrieved the note. Others said you had better turn it in (a lot of money in the 1940's) so I told a master. He told me to take it to Romford Police Station which was on South Street. After school I did that, it was sealed in an envelope, my name was inscribed on the outside, and I was told if it had not been claimed in three months it was mine. I mentally marked a calendar and on the correct day I was at the Police Station once again. No one had claimed the note so I was ten bob richer. Of course, I had to boast about it and I think there were some green eyes watching me that day! Hah! (Geoffrey Styles)

When I was a very small boy, long before I became a pupil at the RLS, I remember walking through the alley from Gidea Park Station to Upper Brentwood Road. The bridge wall, at the UBR end of this alley, has the slogan 'FREE RADIO' scribed upon it. I remember it from, at the earliest, the late sixties but when was it written? Who wrote it? What does it mean? (I could hazard a guess.) Should it be listed or finally removed? (Ray Liddard)

John Hawkins wrote: "During my time at school there was a great shortage of accommodation. It seemed such a waste of space to use a classroom for only 2 or 3 boys doing A level Latin or Greek. One teacher held lessons for small groups in his black London taxi cab parked outside Hare Hall! Was this the German Assistant?" I can't remember his name but he was an odd little chap with frizzy ginger hair. (Sounds a bit like Chris Evans!) (Graham Alexander Lee)

Andy wrote: "Adrian has sent us a photo taken in July 1997 "... just after we'd buried the time capsule. We were on the roof, a forbidden area of the school." "See ... School Years ... 1996-97
What was this time capsule? It reminded me that in the year of 1960-61 new floor-boards were fitted in the Prefect's Room (My keyboard will not type*). During this we put together a time capsule; the magazine, various photos, books etc, in a bag, and put it beneath the floor, at the far end of the room between the two windows. The last time I visited the school and looked into the room it seemed to be a store room. It might be interesting to try to recover this bag, although I suspect that the mice may have got there first. (Bill Groves)

Bill, I made a valiant attempt to recover both this time capsule and the one buried under the quad, on the morning of the last reunion. I fronted up equipped with metal detector, crowbars, jemmies, cold chisels and club hammers - but met with stubborn resistance from a) Adrian (who came over all protective about the one in the quad) and b) the Yale lock on the door of the old pr*f*ct's room (nothing wrong with MY keyboard you will note!). Fortunately before the jemmies etc could come into play Adrian informed me that the gentleman seated at work in Room 2 was none other than Mr. Mark Morrall! Rather out of keeping with the philosophies of my schooldays, discretion proved the better part of valour! However better luck next time eh? It would be incumbent on members of this list almost as a duty to recover the pr*f*ct's room bag! (DGM)

Does anyone recall the Dolls Hospital on the corner of South Drive opposite the 6th form hut gate? It looked rather run down in my early days at RLS, and later was closed. It may have had some bottle glass windows, but what struck me was the early sheet glass window. It was obviously uneven, unlike modern plate glass, and a crack across it showed the thickness as about half an inch.(John Hawkins)

In the old days toilet graffiti could be worth a read. In the new toilet block someone had crayoned on the bricks above the urinal wall "The future of Britain is in your hands". Very appropriate, to my mind. (John Hawkins)

Time Capsule: On the 18th of July 1997 we buried a time capsule in the quadrangle, scheduled for exhumation on the 18th of July 2050, as a centre point of a reunion of 1990s OLs. So it's almost exactly 50 years to go. (Adrian Thompson)

Secret RLS language: Dave Gregory speaks truly (for a change). He, Mike Everett, nonwired, Jim Barnard, ditto, and I evolved such a thing. We became quite fluent, much to the ire of the masters, and developed it to such a level it should have been a GCE subject. To our utter chagrin, we all find that, unlike French, Latin and the Queen's English, our recall is total and we can converse linguistically in this idiom. It’s nice being 15 again. OK, I'll give you all an eg. "  Booniats amm towse swedge" I am told that the phenomenon is not unique, and other fellas in other schools have done the same. No, I'll not tell you the secret.  Leef Maje   Certainly not, too busy (Phil Kingham)

Playground Principles: "Suffice it to say that I know both OEM and Archie Vist to be friends and colleagues of the highest calibre who live their lives by the principles they learned in the playground of the RLS." quoth someone.  So that would be:

1.        Retaliate first Hit harder, run faster, stay clear of Teds

2.       Be a moving target

3.      Deny everything until proven...

4.      Then lie through your teeth

5.      Caught red-handed, blame someone else

6.      If someone has nicked yours, nick someone else's

7.      Be first in the bun queue

8.       Address prefects with the courtesy and respect they deserve (Pfffffft!)

9.       Achieve your ends by deviousness, manipulation, cunning, sleight of hand and string-pulling but without being downright dishonest.

10.   Be inordinately proud of your house affiliation                                                                                                                 (DGM)